Tuesday, September 20, 2011

0 The Merry-Go-Round Marriage

When I got married, people told me that the 1st year of marriage was the hardest. We found it absolutely fine, we got along famously.
Then, halfway though our 1st year of marriage came. I know marriage go through ups and downs. I know that logically, but on an emotional level, I react very badly to the downs.. We have been at odds lately. He is very stressed at work, which obviously doesn’t help.
Just about every day for the last few weeks, he comes home in a bit of a shitty mood. Little remarks or exxagerated sighs. And it makes me resentful. I have been interpreting it as “so you think your stuff is more important than my job, how dare you.” But because we hardly ever talk about emotional stuff or things that bother us (both or our faults and a major problem in our relationship that we need to sort out), nothing is said. And so I simmer.
He had a particularly bad day at work and he has done nothing to help me on the house that pushed my buttons. I react badly. I over reacted. It wasn’t just one incident, it had been weeks of unspoken resentment. of miscommunication, of no communication. I told him that if he was so unhappy with his home life then why didn’t he just leave. We both went to bed pissed off at each other.
The next day, we were watching tv in the bed, still not talking to each other. He hugged me. We talked about what happened yesterday. he said the sweetest and most heartfelt words. Wonderful things. Things that made me feel ashamed of myself.
Our biggest problem is that we don’t talk enough, Him and I. He works so hard, and I spend way way way too much time online. All the things that we said to each other, all the little things that seem like such big issues, him being so anal about the material things, me being so aggressively defensive, are all symptoms of a more fundamental problem – the fact that we don’t talk to each other, tell each other how we are feeling.
I am going to make a concerted effort to focus on my husband and my marriage. I foolishly thought I could press pause on my marriage while my kids are little and while I dive into the blogging and writing world, but I can’t, and I shouldn’t.
And I need to keep telling myself that all marriages go through ups and downs, and just because things are a little tough does not mean it is a sign of the end. I react so badly to the down times, I really do. I get defensive, I get aggressive. And I want to run away.
My husband and I need to talk more, spend time together. Talk about the little things that bug us before they become big things.
To my husband: “I am truly sorry for what happened and I love you so much..”


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