0 Letter For Him

Dear Be,

How are you? I am writing this letter for you coz I wanna talk to you.. Just gathering the thoughts of the things I want to say to you makes me cry already.

Sometimes, I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m just too tired of crying, I guess. But, I have to. I need to talk to you. Even here, in email..

Been a month now, since you left. It was so sad. I wanted to hate you for leaving me. But I can’t. Because I got no choice that time. You are the only person I am holding on to. I cannot hate you. I cannot hate the person whom I vowed to love for as long as I live. But being alone, made me realized so many things.. I asked myself, did I make the wrong decisions? Maybe, I should’ve stayed in Manila in the 1st place. But I chose to be with you, because I wanna be with you. Maybe, I should’ve not love you anyway.. But my heart is telling me, I got you and I made the right decision. But my brain is asking me, why am I hurting? Why am I alone? Why am I crying every night?

I know, making the decision to be with somebody, will take a lot of sacrifices. I know that, and I was ready. Because I know, I have you, with me, beside me. As I have said to you many times, I love you. And I mean that. You showed me how much you love me too. That’s why, maybe, I got dependent on you. I love the way you take care of me. I love the way you look at me. I love you in every way.. I prayed for you. For Him to give you to me.. And I got you. The happiness, contentment, heaven. Our relationship is not perfect, I know that. But I didn’t care..

Now, I am preparing to leave our home.. Taking pictures of our things that needs to go, those I cannot afford to bring with me. Just like the feeling when you left me, I am now having that feeling. This is hurting me so much more because this is ours. This is where you left me and this is where I want you to come back.. but I have to go Be.. I can’t wait for you here anymore.. I am leaving this house with full of our memories..

I know you’re sad. Sacrifices makes us stronger. But I guess, I am getting weak now, day by day.. I can’t help but cry. I have no one to turn to.. For all this time, I am being told not to cry to you, not to tell you how I feel, not to tell you of anything that would make you feel bad.. I’m trying Be.. I’m trying to be strong here. Alone. I can’t help to think and feel that I do not have you anymore. I am asking myself, why I can’t talk to you? Why am I always thinking how you would feel? How about me? How about me, here, alone?

Be, I guess, what I’m trying to say is, be with me.. Just be with me. Not physically, but please can you build up that feeling again in me that I am not alone? That I can talk to you about anything, about how I feel. I need you too Be.. I need you.. I am holding on.. I am keeping my promise to you, na hindi ako bibitaw.. I’m trying.. But I can’t if I feel alone Be..

I’ll be strong be. Even if I feel that I wanna raise my hands and say “I surrender”, I’ll keep on fighting as long as I can.. I love you..

Through the years, through all the good and bad

I knew how much we had, I’ve always been so glad

To be with you … Through the years

It’s better every day, you’ve kissed my tears away

As long as it’s okay, I’ll stay with you

Through the years

Through the years, when everything went wrong

Together we were strong, I know that I belong

Right here with you … Through the years

I never had a doubt, we’d always work things out

I’ve learned what love’s about, by loving you

Through the years

Love,

Ness

0 See Me Unfold

I’m just human. I make mistakes like everyone does. And I’m trying to make up for those stupid mistakes. Everyday I’m hunted by those mistakes. Every day I try to cover it up with something nice. But every day, I know behind those eyes are disappointments and lies.

I’m getting older and I should’ve known better. There are no excuses for my decisions and actions. I know that. Coz at some point, I wanted that to happen. But I’m not perfect. And I’m still a work in progress. Every one of us is. And I’m sorry for the pains I’ve caused. I’m getting older and I should’ve known better. Every day is a struggle. I’m not being ungrateful or anything. I am absolutely grateful for my family and friends around.

As much as I’m trying to be a better person, just when I’m about to put the last piece, I breakdown again. Over and over and over… an unending cycle.

I have my family and GOD knows how much I want to make them proud again. I used to do that. Getting good grades even if I’ve engaged myself to a lot of extracurricular activities, saving lot money from my allowance, being sent to seminars and workshops and contests each year… they were happy. And I can’t wait for the day to see them happy about me again. I hope I’m on the right track now. I don’t care if I have to breakdown everyday as long as I can make them happy. Because I owe them a lot.

I’m not a bad person. But I break, too. And sometimes, people mistook that for me being such a brat. And it’s sad because they don’t really ask what’s wrong. Not that the people around me doesn’t listen. They do. But it’s different when it’s your family. There’s a huge difference!

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

I guess I just wanted to say sorry to everyone I have offended. Sorry for the pains and hurt I have caused. Sorry that I appear ungrateful. Sorry if I rant a lot. Sorry if I’ve been disrespectful. Sorry for the times I acted like a total brat. Sorry for being such a pain in the a**. Sorry for not doing the things you’ve expected from me.

But I wish you would also see the positive things I have done and not dwell on the negatives. I wish you would understand that it’s hard for me too. I wish you’d understand where I came from and that I’m trying to be better. I wish that you’d stop thinking that I’m ungrateful because every minute of the day, I pray and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me. I also pray for the people who are helping me that you will all be showered with so much graces. But again, there’s no way to please everyone. So I’ll just do my very best to please those who means the most to me. My family.

I know I sometimes act differently from what I say and vice versa. And it’s complicated. But I’m putting an effort. If that’s not enough, I will exert more just so things will be better.

My blog is serving its purpose. Letting me rant. I feel a lil better now.

0 My Toblerone Surprise!

I was surprised when I saw my name on the winners list of 13 Ways of Saying Thank You blog contest. Here’s my entry. Please, feel free to leave a comment. tee hee!

I am so happy. I had a very loong day in the office because of those unreasonable deliverables. LOL! When I was never expecting anything. I never told anyone about my blog. Friends, officemates, relatives, even my Husband don’t know that I have an account in WordPress. This account is kinda my own (you know what I mean..) Anyway, I opened my Twitter and the rest is total happiness for me.


My love for Toblerone made me decide to join this blog contest. I honestly appreciate chocolates more when they were given to me. Regardless if from a friend, family or somebody else. I am excited for my prize. 1 box of Toblerone!! Woo hoo!


Thank you for the blessings. God never fails to surprise His children..

0 Going gaga on stickers!

I love coffee. It is safe to say, I love Starbucks. Though, it costs me much from my every-payday budget, I don’t care. It makes me alive and kicking while working. I can say, I am the type of person who can stand a 24-36hrs straight with no sleep, but it’s different when I had coffee. Yes, I am body is awake and my brain is awake too. Maybe because of the stimulants that a coffee can give?

Last night, I had dinner with a friend and while waiting for her, I decided to check-in in Starbucks. Part of me was excited since I wanna see the new planners. The 2011 planners. The place was jam packed. Noisy. The line to the counter was long. I was the 10th person on the line. But I didn’t care. Soon enough, I saw the planners already on display. Nice!

Time for me to order. I was surprised that my favorite dark cherry mocha. It is an espresso with bitter sweet mocha sauce, dark cherry-flavored syrup and steamed milk. Topped with sweetened whipped cream. I felt sad. I waited for almost a year to get a taste of this again.. Starbucks replaced it with praline mocha. Next is the toffee nut latte and peppermint mocha. I am really not a fan of these two, actually. I ordered praline mocha.

I remember me and my friends racing to get the Starbucks planner. It was fun. I miss those days. The 2011 Planner features 14 Starbucks stores, giving customers a feel of Starbucks as their “third place”–a spot they go to frequently next to their homes and workplace. The planners are available in three designs with each cover representing elements found in Starbucks stores: Maroon Velvet Fabric, Cool Clean Stainless Steel and Stained Dark Wood Panels.

Here is my 1st sticker. Stickers may be obtained until January 5, 2011 and redemption of planners is until March 6, 2011. Nice!

So, goodluck to me and to all! Happy collecting!! Here are my 2010 Starbucks collections.

0 The National Thank You Day in the Philippines

I have never been to any other countries. Philippines is the only I know, by heart. I grew up with my grandmother in the province of Pangasinan. When it was time for me to go to school, my mom brought me to Manila. I hated my mom for this. I grew up thinking and believing my lola is my mom. I hated my mom because I saw my lola’s sad face while kissing me goodbye..

In Manila, I continued my life basically alone. My mom is working, my dad was an overseas worker. I’ll wake up in the morning with my school uniform beside and my breakfast already prepared in the table. I’ll prepare for school alone. I go to school alone.  I envy those kids with their mom or dad waiving at them before entering our classroom. I usually attends school gatherings alone. I hated my parents for this.

Then, we had a chance to take a vacation. A family vacation. In Ilocos Sur, the hometown of my mom. The trip was 12hrs long. Boring. But it was one of the most memorable time of my life. I get to spend my whole 12hrs with my mom and dad. Just the feeling of sitting with them all throughout the day, made me happy. With me sleeping on my dad’s chest and him holding my mom’s hands, heaven!

These all happened in the Philippines. My beloved country. It is where I got my chance to appreciate my parents more. With it’s beauty and wonderful feel-good places, I learned to take away the hatred in my heart. Philippines, with all its small islands, it always reminds me of no matter how different I am from my parents, that I will never be complete without them.

The National Thank You Day from Toblerone in the Philippines gave me the chance of saying thank you for the chances that it has been giving me. I realized now, how Philippines made my whole life and personalities. Philippines helped me of what I have become right now. I submitted a picture of a pathway which gives you the opportunity to choose which way would you go, left or right.

If it wouldn’t by the famous DSL connection (again, in the Philippines), I will not be able to read this beautiful blog, I will not be able to do this. It is very inspiring to see other people who are very thankful also on this. Thank you.

Truly, there are many things to be thankful. But a simple, sincere and heart-felt “Thanks!” will do.